Kathleen's Intergalatic Space Program

9:57pm: Crazy Stuff
Okay it has been a really long time since I have been on here, probably like almost 2 years. I have gone through a lot in the past couple of years. I was engaged and now I am not. I have a guy that lives with me and I am really into him and I don't really know why I am just extremely attracted to him and he has an ex-girlfriend that is pregnant with his kid. She treats him like shit. She is basically a bitch. Hangs up on him even though he is talking to her calmly, yells at him for no reason. I don't think she has a right to walk all over him just because she is pregnant with his kid. I think he is probably going to end up going back to her. He won't date me or kiss in front of her or in public and I don't know why I keep dealing with this!

12:54am: New
I've been a little down since everything has happened. Aparantly my meds aren't working I think I need something new. I have been a little down in the dumps almost everyday. There therapy or however you spell it isn't helping at all I know I'm getting better everyday but I don't feel like I am. I know I have come a long way since the beginning but everything is not fully back the way it should be. I'm done...

4:09am: FOR A LOT HAS HAPPENED IF U DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS THEN ASK ME. THANKS THAT IS ALL I HAD TO WRITE.

5:06pm: Whoa it has been awhile..
Alright so I haven't posted in awhile so I guess I will just to let people know what is going on even if it isn't really important. Well have been moved into my house for a few months now and it is awesome I love being back in my old house, but I have made it mine so that is cool. I quit my job at Wachovia which may sound bad but I am better off not being there. I am currently looking for a new job that hopefully won't suck which is doubtful since most jobs suck. I am going to school and since my mom got a job at Roanoke College that is where everyone wants me to go now since it wouldn't costs that much since she works there, but I don't know that would keep me in roanoke a lot longer than I plan to be the only plus side is very cheap and I wouldn't have to move which just sucks in general. Everything is good at the house the doggie is good he is still a puppy and likes to chew things once in awhile and the cat is good too. I can't believe it is June already that is crazy. I am so excited it is summer basically. Alright well not much else to say here so I shall go goodbye everyone.

8:02am: What's next?
So what do you do when you have basically been in love with someone for years, but they live 3 hours away? And no it isn't who everyone is probably thinking it is.

2:10am: DOGGIE
WOO-HOO I AM PICKING UP THE NEW DOGGIE ON SATURDAY! YAY!

5:41pm: Movin' on up.
Alright so I have only been home for like 4 weeks or so and I will be moving out again in another 4 weeks, but this time it is a house. I am so excited because it is my old house which I love. I will be getting another dog too. He is sooo cute golden retriever mix hopefully I will get him still have to hear back from the shelter. I have paint the house and stuff before I move in. My sister and Ethan have found a new house which is good because now they are out of mine. I will be moving in 2 years to go to VCU or atleast I hope have to be excepted and stuff ya know. Anyways thought I would update bye now.

1:54pm: ...
Hey I haven't updated in awhile so I figured hey why the hell not...Nothing much going on. Moved back home for a bit. My sister is moving out of our old house and I will be moving in there as soon as possible although I do need a roommate I will figure that out later. I was going to school and then decided I didn't want to go just yet. This fall I will be going back to actually go and do well so I will be able to transfer to VCU which I hope I can but we will see. Anyways that is about it. I'm done.

2:42am: So it has been over 3 months since my stepdad died. I know everyone says that it is going to take longer than that to get over it but why does it hit me sometimes so hard? I can't help but wonder how my mom feels because if I feel this way then she has to feel worse. I mean I know that every one is going to miss him like his family and my sister but I think me and my mom are going to miss him more. I met him when I was a kid so I have known him for 12years and lived with him for 2years. I can't help but think that he is just going to walk through that door or be sitting there reading the paper in the morning. I mean he has done more with me than my own dad has. I just wish that I would walk in one day and he be sitting here in his chair reading or watching tv or outside doing whatever. I can't help but think that he is just out somewhere and he will be home soon. I know that sounds like a little kid but I can't help it. He was someone that was there for me whenever I needed someone and he loved me and cared for me so much. It is hard to image that he won't be here anymore and that I haven't even really thought about it or had time to. I sit here only a foot or so away from my moms room wishing he was just in there sleeping. Why did someone you love and care for have to go away so soon? He was the nicest person I ever met in my life. Why couldn't he just have gotten better and came home even though he wouldn't have been the complete same person he still would have been home with his family. He never thought as me as his step daughter he loved me like I was his own...

11:04pm: Yeah
Alright apparently I am supposed to update this, but you know it is a little hard since I don't have the internet at the apartment. I am going to be moving home in January to go to school full time which means I will be going to work only part time which seems like that is going to be fine. I hate my job I wish I had another job I could go to that paid as much as the one I have now. Now the damn election is next week which I am not sure that I even want to vote they are both fucking idiots. I will be in Richmond this weekend woohoo!!! Anyways I am done. Night.

1:49pm: Yep.
Well I haven't updated in awhile so I figured hey I am sitting here I would. Nothing much really going on I just go to work everyday from 5-130, I hate my job, I really hate my job. Yes yes I know it pays the bills, but I have to figure out if in Jan. I want to keep my lease and my job and not go to school or move back home and get a part time job and go to school fulltime which I need to do and I want to go to school, but I do like being on my own. Any advice? I have a lot to complain about abunch of stuff but I don't think I will do that. Ah well I guess that is all I have to say for now see you guys later.

5:28pm: Few and far between.
Well I can't update that often because well I don't have internet Cox likes to charge an assload for cable modem and actual cable and I am just talking about standard cable not digital because I don't need all of that crap. I will be going to VWCC this fall because well my mother told me too and plus not like I have anything else to do other than work which I will be working everyday except tues and sun. I won't have much time for much else it isn't like I have a social life right now anyways. I only see 2 people and I don't even see them every week. I suppose I will have to go get internet when I start school because you kind of need that for somethings. My lease is up at the end of Jan and hopefully my job will allow me to transfer because I am going to Richmond even if some of you don't approve but I am not made to be in Roanoke. So hopefully in Feb I will be moving up there maybe March. Depending on my job, but if my job doesn't want to transfer me I will quit because I like my job and all and I get paid pretty well but still I would rather be happy than miserable and rich. Well I can't say I am rich but whatever. I also have people up there that I love being around and if I go up there and we date or whatever that will just be a bonus and major bonus. I love my apartment even though it sucks when you get paid you just don't seem to have as much money at the end of all the bills but atleast I have a bit of responsiblity in my crazy little world where we all know that I don't like to be in real time but apparently certain events have knocked me there and well I have decided I can't help the fact well now I live in real time if it makes anyone happy to realize that I have realized that you can't go through life in lala land even though it is a lot easier to be naive, but well you can't. I know everyone is thinking that moving isn't going to fix everything and that isn't what I am wanting it to do I just would like to experience a new place for once and I dont' mean to visit because I can do that all that time, I want to live there and if I don't like it after 6 months I will come home or whatever probably try to go somewhere. The only problem about moving is that I will need a roommate because Richmond is a little bit more expensive. I am happy to say that I decided to buy the Deftones CD that Brandon lost dammit. Life just got a little better. Anyways I will stop ranting and leave you guys telling me to shut up. Byebye all.

2:23am: We're going to make it after all.
I love my apartment it is nice living alone, but I have no internet and no cable yet. I wish I had more to post and better news to post, but I don't. Life will be forever changed. Everyone can call me if they want to talk to me because I won't have internet for awhile and I don't come home enough to use it. Bye all.

11:00pm: Supreme Mutant!
Well well well thought I wasn't going to update for awhile well I guess not I am bored and figured I would just get on here and just say shit. I am sooo excited I just have a week left, well less than a week and I will have new place WOOHOO! The only thing that really sucks is the packing. I realized that even though I am not taking that much stuff, I still have a lot of little stuff that is irritating, but other than that is it good. I was planing on going to Richmond weekend after next but Blake is coming here so no real point in going. I think I will just go during the time I have inbetween my jobs or well until I start training class for basically the samething I am doing now, but I suppose it is a little different I will have more responsiblity. My mom said I should take my cat so I won't be alone, but that will be another 10 bucks a month and another 300 deposit. CRAZY! Does anyone have any boxes or would like to help me move next sunday June 27th???? It would be appreciated, but oh well I suppose I will find something or someone. Well I had more to say but since I have a short attention span everything has left my head well goodnight.

2:33am: Life Goes On
Well life is moving on...I am sure this is going to be my last post for awhile since in about 2 weeks I am going to be actually moving into my own apartment which I am very excited about money is going to be tight for awhile but whan my new job starts I will be perfectly fine. I am glad to be moving out I think it will be a little less stress. I am getting comfortable sleeping alone again which is good I thought it would a lot worse but it's okay. I need to take a trip to Richmond. I want to see Blake and I want to see Mike. Who I have been thinking about a lot. It is crazy I am kicking myself for that for awhile now. I doubt anything will happen since it has been so long. Plus I doubt he cares. I have no energy for anything really especially anything that has to do with dating or sex or anything like that. No motivation. My life is going to bascially be work and school. I am sure that is going to be exciting. I feel pretty much complete for once except for the fact that I have no license until monday because it has been suspended for a year without my knowledge. But hopefully everything will be fixed on monday and life will go back to being well almost normal or atleast normal in Kathleen World. I actually wish he knew how I felt about him. Ahhh well that is life. I need a new car also which isn't going to happen for awhile now. The Element is what I am going to get no matter what you say. You as in everyone not you as in one person because I don't even know who that would be directed at. I am not in the mood for much. Well I guess I will update at a later date maybe when I get internet. Well I should go I have to get up for DIP class in the morning. Goodnight all!

11:09pm: Stolen from Kim

Your Sexual Profile (you sexual deviant you...) by sparkledee
Name
Your Secret Kink Thing	Hotwax in uncomfortableplaces
Your Sexual Strength	Your HOT SEXY BODY!!
Your Sexual Weakness	Quick to draw, fast to finish
Your Likely STD	Genital Warts
How Many Partners in Crime?	Orgies count as many...SLUT!
Created with the ORIGINAL MemeGen!

2:09pm: Are you circumsized?
So life once again is being turned around in little ole kathleen world. Tommy apparently needs some "space" and well in turn we are offically broken up for right now he just wants time to think things over and I hope he does it soon because I am hanging here a bit. Last night I decided I would go up to Blacksburg or down to Blacksburg...well to get drunk and to hang out with Arthur and well I guess that wasn't right because Arthur didn't tell me he was actually seeing someone and wouldn't talk to me much at all, but the crazy thing is is that I called Tommy at like 3 in the morning and found out he was asleep in my bed because he came by to surprise me last night and well of course I wasn't here but me being me drove home at 330 to come a see him. The whole night I didn't let him go. Things are really confusing. I think I would be okay if we didn't get back together but I just want to know if he does want to be with me or not. I just need to know and well he doesn't get forever to figure that out. I mean it shouldn't take too long to figure out if you actually want to be with someone.
The thing with Arthur I don't know if he thought I would be mad or something but he could have just been like don't come up because normally I won't go up there but I suppose I surprised him by saying I would. Oh well...
I really just need someone to tell me something atleast somewhat of the truth. Everyone else is telling me that I need to do something for myself and stop worrying about everyone else. I am too nice is what a few have said and well I have to laugh at that because I can't ever think of me as nice for somethings I have done to some people which I completely apologize for.
I have a plan now which I am sure some of you are going to look at this and go WHAT!?!?!
1-Go to school.
2-Move...move to richmond. Yes crazy I know and I am sure some of you don't want me there but I like the place.
3-Get an apartment (of course)
4-New car I am looking for a little car now. Mazda 3 actually. They are cute.
5-Go to school.
Yeah I know everyone is thinking things are weird in that plan since I always wanted to move west but now I am just going a little northish...
I guess I shouldn't have drove home last night but I don't feel bad that I did for one I wanted to see him and two I felt bad for Arthur's friend Nate who had to deal with me. Eventhough he won't see this I'm sorry. Well I suppose I should go shower and do those normal human things we do.
Byebye all.

12:15am: Yeah its been awhile...
So it has been awhile since I last updated and well yes I know that all of my entries are pretty shitty and most of the time melodramatic but the fact is is that life sucks and well that is what I have just been letting people everything is a downward spiral. Eventhough I have let everyone seem to think that everything is okay well I am not so sure about that. I can't stop crying and I don't understand and it and Tommy doesn't seem to know either nor care. He works all the time and well if you know me I need a little attention sometimes. I can't take someone who works 14 hour work days and on the days I do get to see him he doesn't seem to happy to see me and he always wants to go out someplace and never really get to have alone time with him. He just tells me nothing is going to change unless he breaks up with me or quits his job...well as I know money is more important than any person ever will be apparantly. I am sorry but when you want a future with me and you spend all of your money on stupid shit instead of saving so we can move and get on with our lives doesn't really show me you care or love me that much. Why is everything else so important than someone who cares and loves you? I have already had someone put their work before me before and well that doesn't work with me. I know that may sound shelfish but I can't help I would like to see you more than about an hour of out week and I mean real time with you not just going to dinner and you talk to everyone else around you and not talk to me. But of course everyone just thinks I am fucked up in the head and I just can't stop thinking about someone leaving me. I am sorry I don't like to get close to people and when I do they always go away. I don't know I wish guys wouldn't suck so much and he seem more concerned about another girl than me but if I tell him that he says he will dump me. Everything sucks.

12:31am: Woo-Hoo!!
Alright so I finally have a job as a server which I am very happy about. I still need to talk to the GM but I think I pretty much have it. I am excited because now I am going to finally be able to buy my car. Which is a Honda Element and yes I know everyone thinks they are ugly but of course I love it. We have decided to wait a year before moving mainly because my mom is going to need my help when Skee gets home. So no moving to the west coast yet. Plus it will give us time to save up a lot more money. School starts tomorrow I am not really excited about that because it is school, but oh well you have to do what you have to do. I am going to be taking a short class anyways so that won't be so bad.
My laptop was a piece of shit so I got a new one thank god for those little service plans hahah. Never thought I would hear myself say that. Ah well I need to go to bed so I can actually wake up for class and my last interview. Goodnight everyone.

6:10am: Bah Hum Bug!
Well it has been a while since I last updated but oh well no one will see this anyways. I am definitely not in the xmas spirit and that is just not right. I am normally the one that is ready for it months in advance. This year has been a fucking piece of shit and I guess I shouldn't think just because it is xmas that everything will be fixed. For the past 2 years now my xmas has blown. Please can someone make sure that next year is a fuck up too? I don't know I am very family oriented at christmas and well I can't be this year plus I don't have a job so I couldn't get anyone anything or surprise anyone like I would like to do. The whole we need to find an apartment soon is kind of bugging me too we can't live here too long when the parents get home plus I don't want to do that anyways. I believe we are moving just to let anyone who reads this know but we aren't exactly sure what month it is going to be march or april? So I guess there isn't any point in finding an apartment around here anyways. I have also found that sleeping is out of the question lately I need to stop thinking so much when I need to go to bed. I suppose ranting about shit isn't going to help either. It never really does and I am pretty sure people get tired of it. I haven't complained much lately though people have made the choices they want and that is that.
If anyone knows of a job that I would be interested in that would be nice to know of. I can't seem to find one or get hired for that matter. I would like to work in a restaurant but most places want you to have experience. BLAH! That is what I say to that.
Anyways I should attempt to go to sleep again. By the way everyone have a good Christmas and a Happy New Year!

3:42am: Life never gets easier...
I feel awful. Not in a sick way but have you ever just want to break down and cry for something and you don't even know what it was for? But you know if you do there isn't someone there to hold you? I'm not really sure what is wrong with me at the moment but I feel like running and running from everything and everyone. I want to go somewhere where no one knows me and can't judge me. I feel like I am the worst person in the world and that nothing I do makes anyone happy or even remotely happy to see or hear from me. Things are wearing on me. Too much seems to be going on in my head for anyone to understand or even want to understand. I feel really girly lately because when I pick him up or when he comes over I want a kiss or a hello or a you look very nice or pretty just something would be good. I am not sure what I want sometimes and other times I know exactly what I need and want those are rare moments. And I am sorry to those I have pushed away or disappointed I'm just not sure what to say or do for you. I have more in my head right now than anyone would know or ever care to know about. It is funny I have been not sleeping next to him for 3 hours now and he hasn't noticed. Ah well wouldn't be the first time. Days are getting longer and a bit more boring. I need to find a job. Somewhere where it doesn't feel like a job...because that is how I work. Anyways I am not sure what else to say so I guess I should go to bed or keep talking to these lovely people on line. Goodnight

3:09am: It's been awhile.
Well I haven't updated in awhile. I haven't really been home to do it so I guess that is my excuse. My laptop is kind of working again. I need to get it fixed or a new networking card with money I don't have because I don't have job, but hopefully that will change very soon because I have to support myself again when she leaves which is next week. Things are getting a little better day by day. I went to see him in the nursing home and well I can't do that again. I feel like such a baby but this is way too hard. Well in spring I am going to take a class two days a week. I am moving out in February. I need to even though I am going to feel guilty but I can't fight everyday with her. It is too stressful things aren't right, right now. I suppose things with my relationship aren't the best thing either I give in too easy to him. I wouldn't do that with anyone else I guess I am just giving up in some way with things. I am just too tired of dealing with shit. I mean I know that sometimes you need to wake up and do it right now I just want to crawl into a hole and not come out until things are good. When that will be? I have no clue. Ah well I thought I would inform the few people that do read this of what is going on. I am sure I can type more but I don't feel like it right now. Goodnight

3:08am: Can you save me?
You know what would be nice? To get a compliment from someone once in awhile. I mean I have gotten them but from the one person that you think I would get them from all the time or at least once in awhile I don't. I don't even get a hello half the time when I walk in the door. I have gotten more compliments from strangers than I have him. I just want someone to be happy to see me once in awhile or be happy they are with me and not think of everything else. I want to be with someone and forget about the world like I used to be able to. Never can I do that anymore. I can't believe anything anyone says to me anymore. Every time they say something I second guess it. I can't help but think are they lying or are they being serious. I mean it isn't like I want to settle down and get married but I really have found I am not that the type to keep bouncing from one person to another. I wanted to actually be with someone a bit ago and he didn't want me. I wish he would have just taken me.
I didn't like it when you said I love you and turned around and you were with someone else. That isn't love. I am not sure if you were trying to get me back or what but that isn't the way to go about it.
I don't like it when someone says they aren't ever going to love me. That hurts. I can't take that I have feelings too. Even though I have been a hard ass lately I want someone to love me. I can't help but wonder everytime someone dates me or wants to date me all they want is sex or just to say they have someone until they can find someone they think is betteR? Is it bad that I keep things in? I just don't think anyone cares anymore and right now I need someone to care the most I have no one. Everyone just gets scared and runs, but no one asks how I am or is everything okay. I miss being happy. I can't even fake it anymore. I can't help but wonder if everything is going to be okay someday. Am I going to have to deal with this everyday for the rest of my life. Will happiness ever return? Is there going to be a day I wake up and say everything is good? I know I am not perfect and everyone has bad times but when does it end? I would just like some happiness. I don't seem to want to do anything anymore but sleep because that makes everything better. I used to think everything happens for a reason but now would be a good time to show me that reason. Why do the people who seem to care less about things get everything? Why do they seem to be the happiest? They have the support and others don't. I guess when you realize one thing isn't perfect nothing is perfect.

5:31pm: I love the 80s!!!!
Alright so I haven't been around much but ah well. Lately has been a little funny anyways. The guy I am dating well this is getting boring!!!! I need fun and craziness! He is crazy but sometimes I just want to kick him in the face. Other guys are an interest right now. I have no clue what I want I don't think. Anyways things kind of still suck right now nothing is going right but that seems to be the thing for me. I guess I am just going through life right now not even knowing what I am doing or where I am going. There isn't this thing called time anymore. On a happier note VH1 put I love the 80s back on that totally rocks! I am happy about that...but this face mask is burning is that a good sign??? I think not. Ah well I am cleaing my pores hahah!!! Today I am going to dinner with Lindsey while she is in town...We are on our way to Mexico!!! Yay! Good Food. So I am off until friday so people should call and we should do things. I have time on my hands right now so that would be good. Alright well I have to go get ready to eat. Byebye all!

1:13am: Lost.
I haven't updated in awhile so I thought hey I would update and now I have nothing to really say I guess. I suppose I will fill some people in on what has been happening. Really not a whole lot. Never home just stay at Tommy's all the time. I don't really want to stay at home it gets too lonely. It is too quiet around here. It makes it easier to be away not thinking about everything. Kind of acting like things are fine when I know perfectly well nothing is fine. I am not sure I can believe people anymore when they say I love you or anything to that affect. I have been in a weird mood lately. Everything just seems to go down hill. Nothing seems right anymore. I don't seem to have any emotions to anything right now and everyone who knows me knows that that isn't the Kathleen they know. I am normally a walking emotion. I just feel like something really bad is going to happen and it is going to hurt more. I have no clue what it is or if it is even real but I feel like something will happen. I am not sure if I am happy or not. I am not even sure if I am okay. I pretty sure I am not though. Anyways...moving on and telling everyone what is up...I have been working. That is about it. I like my job still which is good. That is about it nothing more than me working has been going on. I don't see many people anymore which isn't the best thing right now but I don't know if I want to see people all the time. Many days I just want to be alone but I can't be. This causes a problem sometimes. It is time to clean or sleep which ever one comes first.